Disappointment

Every once in awhile I will start having feelings of disappointment in myself and Emerson's labor. This time I think it is related to me going to La Leche and hearing other women's stories which is bringing up old memories. Don't misunderstand me I've really been enjoying La Leche meetings. It makes me feel normal. Not sure what it is but women who are really into breastfeeding seem to be more likely to co-sleep, want natural births, alternative vaccine schedule, baby wear, etc. Anyways on to my point. :) Somehow I feel cheated that I had to have an epidural, not being able to have the experience I wanted. After some research I think my body saw the pitocin as attacking my body, and went into defense mode to try to keep Emerson in. Which I guess in theory is good, keeping your baby in before it's cooked. So while one set of muscles were contracting the opposing muscles held strong to prevent progression. Uggggh. Before I had Emerson I had watched "The Business of Being Born" and learned about how much pitocin stinks and really didn't want it. But, in the end I had no choice but to induce and my body had no choice but to fight it. After 21 hours of labor, contractions back to back with not a thing going on I kind of felt helpless. It is true that at that point you are very suggestible. So when my midwife suggested to get and epidural to progress I agreed. It did work with Emerson being born 3 hours later, progressing 6cm in 2 hours. But, I'm still left to wonder what would have happened if I had said no? Waited it out a little bit? Would I still have had the same outcome? I guess I will never know and I'm stuck with these "What if" thoughts. Maybe getting them off my chest will quieten them for awhile. It doesn't make it any better that a Doula told me that she heard IntraUterine Growth Restrictions thrown around a lot now. She thinks it is just because they have more advanced measuring techniques, not really that it is a problem. Thanks I feel much better to know that there could have been nothing wrong she was just petite. Oh well. Next time I hope to be very very pregnant before I give birth. I can say that now. :) That's all for the downer of the day, now on to more cheery things like cute pictures of my baby. Did I mention she is cute as can be?!?